Of my many talents, the one shower-related talent of which I’m most proud is my uncanny ability to manually meld two unlike bars of soap at the molecular level. Even the tricky varieties–those with seaweed or coral or flecks of tea leaves or entire railroad spikes–are no match for my soap-bonding prowess.

It’s surely a terrible thing to let soap go to waste, yet it becomes a challenge to use each product to its last as its size quickly approaches that of an escaped droplet of pancake batter. The answer, then, is to fuse the diminished remains to the virgin body of a new soap cake–like a parasite to its hapless host. But if that’s the answer, the means may quickly prove beyond the meager abilities of the zealous shower attendant–my remarkable powers of digital dexterity have taken years to perfect.

Naturally I remain hesitant to share the details until the patents have cleared, but I’ll tell you this much: if I applied this much energy into other areas of my life, there’s no way I’d be paying frigging $2 to cross a bridge every day.