If it bleeds, it leads. Nowhere is this seen more consistently than on the local fake morning news. Good morning, KTVU. Enjoying your breakfast, KRON? If I’m not then it’s mainly because I’m being subjected to a daily freakshow horrorfest peddled by fearmongers who wouldn’t know actual news if Edward R. Murrow rose from his grave to deliver it to them personally… though I’m sure they would televise that. I decided to jot down some of the headlines on a few random mornings just to see if my suspicions were accurate. Let’s tune in, shall we?

Day 1: Possible hijack attempt! Holiday travel precautions! Traffic+Weather. Teacher victimizes children! Earthquake! Weapons inspections! Bin Laden healthy! Snipers!

Day 2: Missing toddler+suicidal father! Missing plane! Car vandalism! Triple shooting! Traffic+Weather. Priest assault! Earthquake!

Day 3: Criminal investigation on freighter! Companies going bankrupt! Weather+Traffic. Child molestation!

Day 4: Church shooting! UC sex scandal! Weather+Traffic. Cell phone accidents! Cable rates on the rise! Assisted living fire!

I’m pretty sure that these stories aren’t pure fabrication, and I’m just as sure that the picture we’re being presented with here is about as accurate as a dream I had last night about people with cat heads (traffic and weather notwithstanding). It’s great material if you’re feeling the need to feed the little macabre maw. Otherwise, I think you’ll generally get a more accurate picture of the daily zeitgeist from scamper.org.