Next the statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank god for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception. – Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger

If it bleeds, it leads. Nowhere is this seen more consistently than on the local fake morning news. Good morning, KTVU. Enjoying your breakfast, KRON? If I’m not then it’s mainly because I’m being subjected to a daily freakshow horrorfest peddled by fearmongers who wouldn’t know actual news if Edward R. Murrow rose from his grave to deliver it to them personally… though I’m sure they would televise that. I decided to jot down some of the headlines on a few random mornings just to see if my suspicions were accurate. Let’s tune in, shall we?

Day 1: Possible hijack attempt! Holiday travel precautions! Traffic+Weather. Teacher victimizes children! Earthquake! Weapons inspections! Bin Laden healthy! Snipers!

Day 2: Missing toddler+suicidal father! Missing plane! Car vandalism! Triple shooting! Traffic+Weather. Priest assault! Earthquake!

Day 3: Criminal investigation on freighter! Companies going bankrupt! Weather+Traffic. Child molestation!

Day 4: Church shooting! UC sex scandal! Weather+Traffic. Cell phone accidents! Cable rates on the rise! Assisted living fire!

I’m pretty sure that these stories aren’t pure fabrication, and I’m just as sure that the picture we’re being presented with here is about as accurate as a dream I had last night about people with cat heads (traffic and weather notwithstanding). It’s great material if you’re feeling the need to feed the little macabre maw. Otherwise, I think you’ll generally get a more accurate picture of the daily zeitgeist from scamper.org.

The following are two of the most accurate, lucid accounts of this rogue nation that I’ve come across.

In The Times, John le Carré writes: “America has entered one of its periods of historical madness, but this is the worst I can remember: worse than McCarthyism, worse than the Bay of Pigs and in the long term potentially more disastrous than the Vietnam War.” [read more] [alternate link – until timesonline gets its act together]

In Time, Brian Eno writes: “How is it that a country that prides itself on its economic success could have so many very poor people? How is it that a country so insistent on the rule of law should seek to exempt itself from international agreements? And how is it that the world’s beacon of democracy can have elections dominated by wealthy special interest groups?” [read more]

The audience had barely finished roaring from that whole “Bush declares a National Sanctity of Life Day” thing last week when the inevitable question was asked: “How will Mr. Bush top himself?” This would surely be a challenge, but he has risen to meet that challenge with aplomb. Witness: “Bush plan gives huge tax break to buyers of big SUVs“. Sterling performance, Mr. Bush! Now I need to wipe the snot off my monitor.

Are people really buying into this administration’s false dilemma? “Either they disarm, or we have to go to war with them.” Oh, really? From what crevice did you pull that one? There’s a logical fallacy that describes this brand of thinking quite nicely, and what I don’t appreciate is the unyielding stream of rhetoric sluicing from Capitol Hill that seems as much geared to intimidate Them as it does to coerce Us. You know, the great unwashed. Today Bush says, “We are ready for war.” Warmonger I think they call it, and passive aggressive at that. “We’re ready, just in case. Not that we’ll need to, though we probably will. But either way, just saying.” Really, are people buying this?

All of this will seem annoyingly familiar to anyone who experienced any kind of social difficulties in school. It’s the old story: Bully accuses little kid of passing notes calling him names. Bully sends team of locker inspectors to rifle through little kid’s locker checking for evidence of hate-notes. Pieces of paper that may or may not be notes are found in little kid’s locker. Bully issues decree that little kid must surrender all pieces of paper, or he will have no choice but to liberate the little kid from his lunch money. Little kid explains that he was not passing notes about the bully’s mother, and declines to forfeit his entire paper supply. Bully calls little kid defiant, and says that the options are clear, and the choice is his.

You know when your kid brother slides his pudding onto the floor, and then you laugh and give him another pudding? And then your mom says, “Don’t do that, you’re just going to encourage him!” Well George Bush is your kid brother, and last night you people–and you know who you are–bought another pallet of pudding from the bulk aisle. Friends, you’ve made a lot of old white men very happy. Enjoy! Now, if you’ll pardon me, it’s time that I explored the world of misanthropy.